Just Ask Willie Nelson
by Lizzie12
Summary: Jack watches TV and gets a surprise.


Cheyenne Mountain - Dr. MacKenzie's office:  
  
Jack, unamused at being dragged away from Hockey Night In Canada, gave Dr. MacKenzie an unfriendly look. "Just why am I here?" he demanded.  
  
"Colonel, I overheard you telling the Jaffa about your rather bizarre experience," Dr. MacKenzie said. "I felt it was my duty to discuss it with you. We need to get to the bottom of this matter, find out precisely why you're not well."  
  
"All right, I know it was a little weird, okay, a lot weird, but there's nothing wrong with me," Jack insisted.  
  
"That's for me to decide, Colonel," Dr. MacKenzie said. "When did you first experience this delusion?"   
  
"It's not a delusion," Jack said. "It was real."  
  
"Humor me, Colonel," Dr. MacKenzie said. "When did you first imagine you saw Quinn?"  
  
"Oh for crying out loud!" Jack said. "I'll tell you what happened. We came back from P3X445 last night, I went home, put on the TV, and there he was, Jonas Quinn, along with Toby Keith and Willie Nelson. I think they were cops or something."  
  
"Colonel, you know that Jonas Quinn returned to Kelowna, you saw that yourself," MacKenzie said. "He couldn't possibly have been cavorting on your TV screen with musicians."  
  
"I know he went back," Jack snapped. "I don't care, I know what I saw. They were dancing and singing and for some reason Jonas was dressed as a hooker. It was something to do with beer and horses."  
  
"Beer and horses?" MacKenzie smiled patronizingly at Jack.   
  
"Yeah, that's right, they were yodeling something about booze and horseflesh," Jack said. "Look, are we done yet? I've got a lot to do."  
  
"Colonel, you're going to need to stay with us for a few days," MacKenzie said.   
  
Oh Colonel, I've been waiting a long time to get my hands on you, he thought as he pushed a button under his desk. Several large orderlies promptly entered the room; one held a straight-jacket.  
  
"No way," Jack said. "I'm not nuts; you aren't locking me up."  
  
"Colonel, you're obviously a danger to yourself in this condition," Dr. MacKenzie said. "Claiming to see former team members on TV? It's impossible."  
  
"But it was him, I swear it was! He was in drag, he had on a blond wig, miniskirt and high heel shoes," Jack yelled as MacKenzie's goons stuffed him into the straight-jacket.  
  
'Now, now Colonel," MacKenzie said soothingly. "Just relax, we're here to help you."  
  
As the orderlies dragged him to the padded cell, Jack made one last, desperate attempt to convince MacKenzie that he was sane. "Willie Nelson was there too, just ask Willie Nelson."  
  
MacKenzie shook his head sadly as he watched Jack struggling. Beer? Horses? Jonas Quinn in fishnet stockings? Those gate-travel side effects are even worse than I feared, he thought.  
  
***********************  
  
Three Days Later:  
  
Dr. MacKenzie sat at his desk, studying Jack's brainscan. Nothing out of the ordinary, he decided. O'Neill's delusions must be the result of unresolved guilt, or perhaps long-suppressed oedipal issues. Yes, that must be it. Odd that four others on base reported the same hallucination; obviously O'Neill's leadership abilities were influencing the SGC. Remembering O'Neill's detailed description of what he'd like to do to him, if given the chance, MacKenzie shuddered. It was a good thing that he had had the man confined to a padded cell.  
  
He heard a knock on the door. "Come in," he said. One of his nursing staff entered the office.  
  
"Doctor, we have another three airmen who claim to have seen Jonas Quinn on TV," the nurse said.  
  
Dr. MacKenzie frowned. This situation is more serious than I realized, he thought. "H'm, must be some kind of mass hysteria," he said. "We may have to shut down the mountain."  
  
The phone rang, the nurse answered it. She turned to Dr. MacKenzie. "General Hammond is on the line and he sounds upset," she said.   
  
"General, what can I do for you?" Dr. MacKenzie said.   
  
"Doctor, what the Sam Hill is going on? Colonel O'Neill and four airmen are in Mental Health, the rest of the base are about to have nervous breakdowns and 4 teams are stranded off-world. I leave town for one week and the whole place goes to pieces," the General said. "Now what is the matter with everyone?"  
  
"General, this is a serious situation. Eight members of the SGC have reported experiencing the identical hallucination. I had to take quick action and isolate the afflicted men," Dr. MacKenzie said.  
  
"What kind of hallucination?" General Hammond asked.  
  
"Well, General, in the last seven days, half of the SGC, including Colonel O'Neill, claim to have seen Jonas Quinn, dolled up in drag, prancing around with Willie Nelson and Toby Keith on their televisions," Dr. MacKenzie said.   
  
"You mean in the video 'Beer For My Horses'? General Hammond said. "What, you've seen it too?" MacKenzie shouted. My god, the psychosis had spread to General Hammond! Who next? The Joint Chiefs of Staff? The President himself?  
  
"Of course I've seen it. That video's been on CMT for weeks now," General Hammond said. "Come to think of it, that young man does bear a slight resemblance to Quinn."  
  
"Wha . . . ," MacKenzie croaked. After several minutes, he managed to choke out the words "it's a real video?"  
  
"Yes, Doctor, it is a real video. It stars Willie Nelson. If you don't believe me, watch CMT's top 20 countdown; I believe it's currently at #14," General Hammond said. "Now, end this nonsense and let Colonel O'Neill out, immediately."  
  
MacKenzie, remembering Jack's special ops past, fainted. The nurse quickly tossed a cup of cold coffee in his face.  
  
"You'll want to tell him about this little misunderstanding yourself, won't you?" MacKenzie asked desperately.  
  
"No Doctor, you are," General Hammond said.  
  
******************  
  
Cheyenne Mountain - Next Day  
  
A very peeved Jack entered the commissary; he glared at everyone in the room. After getting his food, he joined Daniel and Teal'c. Spotting MacKenzie at another table, he loudly said "hey, Teal'c, can I borrow your staff weapon? I've got some business to take care of."  
  
"Yes, O'Neill," Teal'c said. "In my culture, you would be well within your rights."  
  
MacKenzie gulped. Perhaps I should put in for that transfer to the Nome base, he thought.   
  
Meanwhile, SG3, complete with Major Griff in a wig and miniskirt, turned on a karaoke machine they'd smuggled in and began singing.  
  
The End. 


End file.
